All illustrations by Jessica Randklev

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev

Dear The Bremelogger: You take the ferry because there’s nothing for you in Bremerton. Not even the employees of the county’s largest employer — PSNS — will live there. So don’t come crying to me that someone less tubby than yourself out-hustled you to the hot seat out of nowheresville.

But let’s get right down to the point. The boat’s empty, at least by Island standards. It’s empty because there aren’t many of you mental enough to necessitate proper accommodations.

We have pseudo “assigned seating” on Bainbridge Ferries because there are precious few. You on the other hand can throw a rock between you and the closest person and miss. That’s not just because you and your city has no athletic achievement to speak of. It’s because everyone else has figured out that if you don’t get back on the boat, you don’t have to return to Bremerton.

BTW, I just want to point something out. Even when we lose a boat WSF directs people away from Bremerton: “Edmonds/Kingston is strongly encouraged as an alternate route” is on repeat over there. What they’re effectively saying is Bremerton is strongly discouraged. And with good reason.

Washington States Ferries wishes Bremerton didn’t exist. So do the rest of us.

Sincerely,
Old Man Winslow

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev.

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev.

Dear Old Man Winslow: How kind of you to write. I was beginning to think you’d forgotten about us. And I’m glad to hear that you “read” about Bremerton’s Kitsap Wine Festival. But I have a sneaking feeling it was you and your kind who consumed the tickets. I mean, when Bremertonians spend $45 on wine, it’s delivered by the case.

Hey, before you go, I’ve got a question for you. Actually, it’s more like a story.

You see, every day I take the ferry. And until a couple weeks ago, I sat in the same spot every day. It’s a pretty plumb spot, so I don’t want to give it away. Like I said, until a couple weeks ago it was mine. Every day. Without question. Then, one day, there was a … how should I say, a “problem” with the seat of another regular in my seating section. And he took my spot before I got on the boat. Now he’s discovered the subtle pleasures of my seat and won’t go back. Every morning I get on the boat hoping for my old place back. And every morning I see his smug face below an atrocious hair cut in a spot that’s rightfully mine.

What would Bainbridge do? Islanders are more particular about their assigned seats on those super collosal jumbo boats you’ve got over there. How do you handle these situations? Should I say something? Offer him Chapstick and the name of a good barber?

Sincerely,

The Bremelogger

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev

Dear The Bremelogger: I must admit that since we began our unfortunate correspondence, I’ve taken great pleasure in rediscovering The Bremerton Sun. Why, just yesterday I learned that a “thrill seeker” from Bothell took a plunge from the Manette Bridge. I think the Sun has the facts a little shaky, however. I don’t think he was seeking a thrill. He was seeking escape. But what the poor soul doesn’t understand is that you can jump off the Manette Bridge until you’re blue in the face, and it isn’t going to get you out of Bremerton. It’s just going to put you in a Bremerton jail. Which, you must admit, is something of a redundancy.

I also learned recently that Bremerton’s Kitsap Wine Festival was a “Sold-Out Success,” Saturday at that copper park you have down on the water. Couple things:

1. It was smart of the powers that be to call it the “Kitsap” Wine Festival. Bremerton concerns long ago realized that — and I’m breaking this down so you can understand — Bremerton is the Night Train of civic brands.

2. This is pretty impressive feat, especially for Bremerton. You were able to convince 500 people to get in their yachts, float up to the marina (plenty of parking, I’m sure), visit their friends at the retirement home/condos downtown, and enjoy $45 worth of wine. It kind of makes me wonder what kind of retailers you’re going to “attract” to those empty buildings. I’m guessing Coldwater Creek, a funeral parlor, and an IZOD outlet.

BTW, I see that you had Eddie Money in town last night. It really brings new meaning to Money line “I’ve got two tickets to paradise,” doesn’t it? I mean, singing that from Bremerton, the man could be talking about anywhere.

Sincerely,

Old Man Winslow

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev.

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev.

Dear Old Man Winslow: What are you talking about? An embarrassment? Sure we’ve had our moments? But just look at us: We’ve got waterfront parks, pizza, friendly service at the Department of Licensing. I mean, we’re coming back, baby. Even our prostitutes can’t stay in business over here. They’ve had to hang up their shingle along Aurora. And, you’re right, little white typos — which I have made an art — are one thing. But belligerently reporting the wrong date of an event is quite another. And for that I apologize.

Glad to hear that you’re reading, and not just cutting your gums on the tap at Free Range distillery.

Your friend,

The Bremelogger

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev.

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev.

Dear The Bremelogger: Your town has been an embarrassment to the county for decades. This is a well-documented, undisputed fact, I’m sure you’ll agree. With that in mind, I find it extremely impressive that you’ve managed to lower the bar for yourself. I’ve watched with a chuckle as you discuss the election with persons so genetically flawed as to aspire to the position of Bremerton mayor. So when I read this morning that you were “gearing up” for TONIGHT’s mayoral debate at The Charleston — only in Bremerton would mayoral hopefuls meet in a house of pornography — I was taken aback. Even you surprised me with your incompetence. I’m sure by now you know, dear Logger, that said debate took place LAST NIGHT, a date even you noted recently. You missed it. You missed it good. And you needlessly encouraged the Bremerton establishment to brave Callow. Well done, Logger, you’ve found your place at the bottom.

Sincerely,

Old Man Winslow

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev

Dear The Bremelogger: Not that I expect you to know the answer to this. From the look of your “news” blog, it appears that you were completely oblivious to the fact that there was a fire downtown. So you’re probably hearing about this for the first time now. Not that it’s any surprise, you being oblivious to local happenings and all. Nobody’s ever accused your bile to be “comprehensive,” “useful,” “or “informative.”

But I must tell you, Logger, that my heart skipped a beat when I saw that pillow of inevitability rise from your city. Bremerton, I thought, has finally burned itself to the ground.

You were too consumed with your bottle of purple stuff to report on the events, so I was forced to look to the Bremerton Sun for the news that “Bremerton Crews Snuff Stubborn Waterfront Brush Fire.” Why? It is you city’s destiny. And it’s what everybody wants. Your slumlords will get checks from their insurance companies, your political leaders will have a beautiful city, and I will sleep better than I have since you clearcut the Island.
Sincerely,

Old Man Winslow

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev

Dear The Bremelogger: I’m sure you’re still sleeping off an Independence Day bender of tater tots and Mike’s Hard Lemonade, so, you’re hearing this for the first time: The Bremerton Underground Transportation Tunnel (BUTT) is finally open for business. I can hardly contain my excitement.

Yes,  occasionally my dementia kicks in at Coleman Dock and 45 minutes after I board the ferry I realize that the boat smells of cat vomit and I’ve still got 15 minutes till I reach shore, and not possibly en route to my own private tree house that is Bainbridge. It is during these senior moments that I’ve prayed for a way out of downtown Bremerton faster. Even if only 3 minutes faster. $54 million for this luxury? Peanuts! Worth every penny! Do you need more? I’m sure I can find some cash for the cause. I know you got the tunnel with funding from the feds. I’m sure that was a hard pitch to make.

I can hear Norm pitchin’ this on the floor of the House: “Hey, Jay, for $54 million I’ll get your people out of downtown Bremerton faster than you can say Bjorn Lomborg.”

Inslee, sounding like a three-pack-a-day man: “Well, heck, Dicks, if I get you $300 mill, can you take us all the way to Kitsap Way?”

The whole country can’t wait to get out of Bremerton fast enough. I love it.

Bremerton’s all about building its downtown, and they built a quick way to get people out of it. Sure, sure, you want to make it a walkable town. And that’s exactly what both those people walking downtown wanted, a safer walk. Those pesky cars shooting off the ferry, what, three times a day were really gummin’ up the works, weren’t they?
Sincerely,

Old Man Winslow