Dear Old Man Winslow: Does Jay Inslee Have to Be Such a Pantywaist?

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev.

Dear Old Man Winslow: How are things at, what’s that cash-only, obnoxious joint called?  Blackbird Coffee? I trust the apple pie is particularly sweet and the mood is perky and smug. Did you happen to see Joel Connelly’s column over at SeattlePi.com, today? Turns out your U.S. Rep, Jay Inslee, played Pres. Nobelma in a game of hoops. At first, Inslee sounds like he brought a pair: “We were runnin’ and gunnin’, crashing up and down: It wasn’t gentlemanly. We did what we had to do,” he tells Connelly.

It sounds like Inslee’s fighting Obama at the hoop here, doesn’t it? Kind of like how he’s fighting for y’all, right? Then things get reveling. Toward the end of the piece it is revealed that Inslee, claiming to have guarded the chosen one a little too closely, called a foul on himself. ON HIMSELF! You must be kidding me. Is that how he’s going to stick up for your Island in the face of pressure from the administration? That’s worse than Seattle nice. That’s Bainbridge wuss. Congratulations, Winslow, you’ve got a fighter in your corner.

— The Bremelogger

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Old Man Winslow: The “BUTT” Is Open. Thank God

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev

Dear The Bremelogger: I’m sure you’re still sleeping off an Independence Day bender of tater tots and Mike’s Hard Lemonade, so, you’re hearing this for the first time: The Bremerton Underground Transportation Tunnel (BUTT) is finally open for business. I can hardly contain my excitement.

Yes,  occasionally my dementia kicks in at Coleman Dock and 45 minutes after I board the ferry I realize that the boat smells of cat vomit and I’ve still got 15 minutes till I reach shore, and not possibly en route to my own private tree house that is Bainbridge. It is during these senior moments that I’ve prayed for a way out of downtown Bremerton faster. Even if only 3 minutes faster. $54 million for this luxury? Peanuts! Worth every penny! Do you need more? I’m sure I can find some cash for the cause. I know you got the tunnel with funding from the feds. I’m sure that was a hard pitch to make.

I can hear Norm pitchin’ this on the floor of the House: “Hey, Jay, for $54 million I’ll get your people out of downtown Bremerton faster than you can say Bjorn Lomborg.”

Inslee, sounding like a three-pack-a-day man: “Well, heck, Dicks, if I get you $300 mill, can you take us all the way to Kitsap Way?”

The whole country can’t wait to get out of Bremerton fast enough. I love it.

Bremerton’s all about building its downtown, and they built a quick way to get people out of it. Sure, sure, you want to make it a walkable town. And that’s exactly what both those people walking downtown wanted, a safer walk. Those pesky cars shooting off the ferry, what, three times a day were really gummin’ up the works, weren’t they?
Sincerely,

Old Man Winslow