Dear Washington State Ferries: Are You Going to Wipe Bainbridge Island’s Ass, Too?

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev.

No, WSF, that wasn’t a rhetorical question. I’m actually curious to know when you’re going to bend down, and pull off a square of that industrial pulp you pass off as TP and clean some Bainbridge ass.

Back in the day it was your run- of-the-mill, garden variety ass kissing. When Bremerton’s high-speed ferries were disturbing the shores of millionaire Islanders, Bremerton lost the boats. When a ferry on the Bainbridge run goes down, you take a boat from Bremerton and patch up the Bainbridge run, and let the Bremerton riders deal with the consequences.

When you buy a ticket at Seattle’s Coleman Dock you have a choice of going through turnstile A or turnstile B. Through turnstile A you have passengers headed for Bainbridge Island who have the ear and good graces of Washington State ferries, a 30-minute ride aboard the newest boats in the fleet, boats that have NEVER run between Seattle and Bremerton.

The customers who go through turnstile, B, to Bremerton live with the fact that if they want to leave Seattle after 10:30 p.m. they have to wait until almost 1 a.m., they’re used to finding alternate modes of transportation to get to work because one of their boats has gone down. And after a particularly nasty week, recently, at least one Bremerton commuter decided he’d throw in the towel, and would move back to Seattle.

So, I guess it is only natural that when you decided provide live music to one of your routes, you would pick the route with the ass you’re most accustomed to kissing. Live music on the Bainbridge run every Saturday through December? Are you serious?

Let me propose an alternative: Instead of throwing a bone to Nordstrom set catching a joy ride into the city on the weekend, why don’t you set up some live music for the men and women on the 5:30 p.m. boat back to Bremerton on a Friday. Bring a couple of guitars into the cafeteria and you’ll find an exhausted, forcefully patient group of individuals who deserve more than a thank you from the WSF brass for all the missed boats, hard landings, and erratic service you’ve dished out.

Instead, you’re doing more for … Bainbridge? Why?

— The Bremelogger

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I’m Not Going to Complain About These Passenger-Only Ferries. Well, Not Much.

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev.

Dear Old Man Winslow: I’m not going to get defensive on this one. Sure, you make a few valid points. I mean, it’s no secret that Washington State Ferries wishes Bremerton would just go away. Hell, I’m sure they’d tell you as much if you walked into their office (try the TP while you’re there, it’s such an upgrade from what they serve on their waters).

The irony here is that while your boat is in the shop, and our boat is filling gaps in the system to accommodate your brood, we’re actually experiencing a Bremerton run closer to what it actually should be: one auto ferry and several passenger-only ferries. Yes, these p-o boats are slow (it took me 50 minutes recently to get home recently) but, I’m the first to admit that Bremerton should cash in an auto ferry for three or four passenger-only boats that can make the trip in 30 minutes. If only that were an option.

Until that time, I’m not going to sweat it. And I’m going to count my blessings. Because if having a 30-minute commute means ending my day on Bainbridge, well, I’ll leave that hell for the folks who bought condos in Winslow in 2007.

Sincerely,
The Bremelogger

 

OMG! The Bainbridge Ferry Route is Down to One Boat Right Now

How long will it take for them to steal a boat from Bremerton? Anybody? Follow along here for details.

 

Hey, Winslow: What Would Bainbridge Do?

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev.

Dear Old Man Winslow: How kind of you to write. I was beginning to think you’d forgotten about us. And I’m glad to hear that you “read” about Bremerton’s Kitsap Wine Festival. But I have a sneaking feeling it was you and your kind who consumed the tickets. I mean, when Bremertonians spend $45 on wine, it’s delivered by the case.

Hey, before you go, I’ve got a question for you. Actually, it’s more like a story.

You see, every day I take the ferry. And until a couple weeks ago, I sat in the same spot every day. It’s a pretty plumb spot, so I don’t want to give it away. Like I said, until a couple weeks ago it was mine. Every day. Without question. Then, one day, there was a … how should I say, a “problem” with the seat of another regular in my seating section. And he took my spot before I got on the boat. Now he’s discovered the subtle pleasures of my seat and won’t go back. Every morning I get on the boat hoping for my old place back. And every morning I see his smug face below an atrocious hair cut in a spot that’s rightfully mine.

What would Bainbridge do? Islanders are more particular about their assigned seats on those super collosal jumbo boats you’ve got over there. How do you handle these situations? Should I say something? Offer him Chapstick and the name of a good barber?

Sincerely,

The Bremelogger

 

Bremerton Is the Next … BAINBRIDGE!

David Nelson, blogger/editor at Kitsap Sun.

Now that I’ve got your attention … This is a good one from D. Nelson and our frenemies over at the Bremerton Beat. I’ve heard him elude to the “Bremerton is the next Bremerton” mantra before, and he nails it in this post.

But, David, I just want to set something straight: I started the “Bremerton is the next Bellingham”!!! In irony, mind you. But I started it, Nelson! I also said years ago that that Poulsbo development with Wall-Mart and Home Depot (we used to call it Olhava) would get a Chilli’s. I’m still waiting on that. And I guess Bremerton’s not yet Bellingham.

 

Hey, Winslow, Leave the Brothel Beat to Bremerton

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev.

Dear Winslow: You talk tough about our “agreement,” about the social contract that has allowed our two cities to co-exist together in peace. But, here you go again stomping on our turf. What’s this I hear about a brothel on Bainbridge Island? Come on! Callow’s supposed to have the market corned on the turning of tricks, and we stay out of the wine and cheese business. (Oops, I guess the Kitsap Wine Festival should be on Bainbridge. I’ll give you that. Gladly.)

You’ve had a brothel on the island? And your men are paying to have sex with our women? Oooooooh, Winslow, don’t tell me Bremerton’s not rubbing off on you. We’re rubbing off, and you’re obviously rubbing one out.

I’ll close this letter with a few words from one of your own.

“We’re an upscale community and I think we have a sort of upscale self-image,” Iver McDougal, president of the South Bainbridge Neighborhood Association.

Upscale self-image? That’s putting it lightly, friend.

The Bremelogger

 

Dear Logger: Bremerton Makes Pioneer Square Look Like Man-Effing-Hattan

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev

Dear The Bremelogger: I’m rubbing off on you? I’m am so happy to report that I cannot say the same about you. Though, I’m sure that in the pitiful state in which you keep yourself, you leave  a residue wherever you lay your crusty little fingers.

And where have you infected of late, Logger? I have to say that I was getting a little … I won’t say worried, because responding to your painful missives isn’t a task I’d wish upon a California transplant with a 780 prefix. But considering all the ripe material you’ve had to snark on recently, I was beginning to suspect that you’d gone “underground.” You and your regional brood have much to hang your head over every day of the month. So why you didn’t come out gloating after your mayor laid the — what do the kids at North Kitsap High School say? — “smack down” on Seattle and it’s “insult to American ingenuity”?

I wouldn’t have known anything about this amusing skirmish had The Seattle Times not picked up what was apparently first reported in the Bremerton Sun. Sorry, I keep forgetting, KITSAP SUN. And that brings up something the boys were talking about at Eagle Harbor Books last week.

Seattle may have soiled Pioneer Square and squandered their waterfront, but they didn’t leave reduce their city to something so repulsive that their newspaper of record, embarrassed by the association, changed their name to King Times. Not that I blame their overlords in the Midwest. I wouldn’t want to be associated with Bremerton, either.
Yours,

Winslow

 

Bainbridge Does Something Right

No, no, no, no not that Bainbridge. The Navy destroyer USS Bainbridge was involved in the rescuse of the American sailor from pirates this week. Can anyone tell me if Bainbridge was ever serviced at PSNS?

 

Bainbridge Island Refuses to Acknowledge Bremerton’s Existence

Dear Winslow: I discovered an interesting thing the other day when I found myself on the Web site associated with the Bainbridge Island newspaper of record, The Bainbridge Review, a rag I’ve oft heard you describe as Port Madison’s New Yorker. As I maneuvered the site — and please, don’t ask me why I was there — I couldn’t help but notice that your newspaper, your public mouthpiece, your agenda-setting, game-changing, career-making operation REFUSES to acknowledge Bremerton’s existence. By extension, so does the entire Island. How did I discover this little-know fact you ask? Well it’s simple, really. I searched for the word “Bremerton” on The Review’s Web site.

This is what I got back.

Turns out that for however many years The Review’s been “The Only Newspaper In the World The Cares About Bainbridge Island” it’s also been “Just Another Newspaper That Doesn’t Give a Shit About Bremerton.”

Not that I care.

The Bremelogger

Postscript: It’s been brought to my attention that when you now search for “Bremerton” several articles are returned. Whatever. I’ve made my point.

 

Hey, Bremelogger, Focus On Your Own Damn Family

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev

What’s wrong with the Island’s youth? You’ve got a lot of nerve, Logger.

I should be asking you the same thing about your up-and-comers. But, I’ll get to that in a second.

Standing guard in front of Safeway has been an Island tradition for generations, er, at least the generations here only long enough to not remember a time before McDonald’s and the rape of the land at the hands of Southern California. Call these kids what you want–truants, delinquents, leeches–they’re all training for one thing: a move to Bremerton. I understand they’d fit in well there. I mean, it doesn’t take a high school education to break one’s leg evading the heat, does it? How much time in physics class must one put in to take off one’s pants in public? How many liquid lunches from a paper bag must one consume until a tunnel is a better idea than a brew pub?

I must ask you, Logger, what the hell is the deal with Bremerton kids and those masks? Twice now I’ve seen kids — I’m only assuming, as their faces have been obscured. But, would a grown man/woman really don a mask in public in March? Sorry, forgot whom I was addressing. — with rather frightening white masks with dark markings around Rob’s Quick Stop near the north end of Callow. How can you explain this behavior, “bro”?

OK, yes, you’ve probably deducted from the previous paragraph that I visit Bremerton on occasion. For a thick-skulled has-been of the forrest, you really do have a talent for observation. You see, during my time in the Navy I developed an affinity for McGavin’s Pink Champagne Cake, and consequently am forced to visit Callow, er “Little Fremont” on occasion. It’s not because I like the Moon Biscuits at the Hi-Lo or anything.

Winslow