Dear Old Man Winslow: Does Jay Inslee Have to Be Such a Pantywaist?

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev.

Dear Old Man Winslow: How are things at, what’s that cash-only, obnoxious joint called?  Blackbird Coffee? I trust the apple pie is particularly sweet and the mood is perky and smug. Did you happen to see Joel Connelly’s column over at SeattlePi.com, today? Turns out your U.S. Rep, Jay Inslee, played Pres. Nobelma in a game of hoops. At first, Inslee sounds like he brought a pair: “We were runnin’ and gunnin’, crashing up and down: It wasn’t gentlemanly. We did what we had to do,” he tells Connelly.

It sounds like Inslee’s fighting Obama at the hoop here, doesn’t it? Kind of like how he’s fighting for y’all, right? Then things get reveling. Toward the end of the piece it is revealed that Inslee, claiming to have guarded the chosen one a little too closely, called a foul on himself. ON HIMSELF! You must be kidding me. Is that how he’s going to stick up for your Island in the face of pressure from the administration? That’s worse than Seattle nice. That’s Bainbridge wuss. Congratulations, Winslow, you’ve got a fighter in your corner.

— The Bremelogger

Advertisement

 

Old Man Winslow: Balloons Bring West Bremerton To Its Knees. Are the “Newcomers” to Blame?

Old Man Winslow, Illustrated by Jessica Randklev.

Dear The Bremelogger: I’ll be honest, I’ve completely overestimated Bremerton. What? You’re surprised that I’ve given your City of Destiny the benefit of the doubt? It’s no secret that your “fair” city has more problems than our Island has unemployed real estate agents, but I was under the impression that a few of the basics were under control. I was grossly mistaken.

When building a city, the rest of us do well to make sure that essentials are in place and strong. We call this “infrastructure.” Apparently when the people of Bremerton were cobbling together what would become a social, economic, and legislative eye sore, they cut a few corners. From what I hear from a few friends who got lost on the way back from Tacoma, a few balloons took down the power in most of West Bremerton on Friday morning. Balloons. A item with which to denote a celebration. When they put warnings on balloons about the choking potential they have for infants, I doubt the makers thought they would have to warn Bremertonians that the these devices could also choke off your power grid. This is really saying something. Bremerton’s outdone itself once again.

Yet, after catching up on your “news site” recently, I’m reminded that this particular instance may not be your fault, Logger. It is well documented that you were not born nor bred in Bremerton, but are a relative newcomer. And I read that a write-in candidate for the Bremerton mayor gig, Deborah Jackson, claims that “we built Bremerton” and that “all these newcomers that came here … come with their ideals and what they think we should have, when they left out what was our real needs.” OK, so do we have Deborah Jackson and whoever she’s grouping with her to blame for the frail infrastructure of the city? Or is it that all you newcomers have not been the proper stewards of what your forefathers left for you? Did she build the town that you’ve destroyed? Or were the walls built so thin that the touch of a party balloon could bring it down?

Think of it, Logger, over your next bowl of Robitussin. It is the season.

Yours,

Winslow

 

Old Man Winslow: Come Back to Bremerton? Nobody Wants to STAY In Bremerton

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev

Dear The Bremelogger: I must congratulate you on your unmatched measure of delusion, but this frivolous “Bring EndFest Back to Bremerton” campaign is about your leanest idea yet.

Nobody wants to go back to Bremerton. The idea is to get the hell out of Bremerton as fast as possible. Notice that everyone with half a brian, a decent chance of  assimilation, or a public case of herpes gets the hell out. The rest of you are a collection of toothless drones content to eek out an existence taking your pants off in public and whining incessantly about how Washington State Ferries doesn’t do you right anymore. Which brings me to your guest “columnist” Steve David Morse.

Morse is an example both of your quintessential West Bremerton whiner and a bloke with the means and the know-how to make it across the water. Why he ever decided to experiment with the Bremerton estabilishment the way the rest of you experiment with off-brand sleeping pills is beyond me.

Sincerely,

Winslow

 

I’m Not Going to Complain About These Passenger-Only Ferries. Well, Not Much.

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev.

Dear Old Man Winslow: I’m not going to get defensive on this one. Sure, you make a few valid points. I mean, it’s no secret that Washington State Ferries wishes Bremerton would just go away. Hell, I’m sure they’d tell you as much if you walked into their office (try the TP while you’re there, it’s such an upgrade from what they serve on their waters).

The irony here is that while your boat is in the shop, and our boat is filling gaps in the system to accommodate your brood, we’re actually experiencing a Bremerton run closer to what it actually should be: one auto ferry and several passenger-only ferries. Yes, these p-o boats are slow (it took me 50 minutes recently to get home recently) but, I’m the first to admit that Bremerton should cash in an auto ferry for three or four passenger-only boats that can make the trip in 30 minutes. If only that were an option.

Until that time, I’m not going to sweat it. And I’m going to count my blessings. Because if having a 30-minute commute means ending my day on Bainbridge, well, I’ll leave that hell for the folks who bought condos in Winslow in 2007.

Sincerely,
The Bremelogger

 

Old Man Winslow: WSF Likes Bremerton About as Much as the Rest of Us

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev

Dear The Bremelogger: You take the ferry because there’s nothing for you in Bremerton. Not even the employees of the county’s largest employer — PSNS — will live there. So don’t come crying to me that someone less tubby than yourself out-hustled you to the hot seat out of nowheresville.

But let’s get right down to the point. The boat’s empty, at least by Island standards. It’s empty because there aren’t many of you mental enough to necessitate proper accommodations.

We have pseudo “assigned seating” on Bainbridge Ferries because there are precious few. You on the other hand can throw a rock between you and the closest person and miss. That’s not just because you and your city has no athletic achievement to speak of. It’s because everyone else has figured out that if you don’t get back on the boat, you don’t have to return to Bremerton.

BTW, I just want to point something out. Even when we lose a boat WSF directs people away from Bremerton: “Edmonds/Kingston is strongly encouraged as an alternate route” is on repeat over there. What they’re effectively saying is Bremerton is strongly discouraged. And with good reason.

Washington States Ferries wishes Bremerton didn’t exist. So do the rest of us.

Sincerely,
Old Man Winslow

 

Hey, Winslow: What Would Bainbridge Do?

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev.

Dear Old Man Winslow: How kind of you to write. I was beginning to think you’d forgotten about us. And I’m glad to hear that you “read” about Bremerton’s Kitsap Wine Festival. But I have a sneaking feeling it was you and your kind who consumed the tickets. I mean, when Bremertonians spend $45 on wine, it’s delivered by the case.

Hey, before you go, I’ve got a question for you. Actually, it’s more like a story.

You see, every day I take the ferry. And until a couple weeks ago, I sat in the same spot every day. It’s a pretty plumb spot, so I don’t want to give it away. Like I said, until a couple weeks ago it was mine. Every day. Without question. Then, one day, there was a … how should I say, a “problem” with the seat of another regular in my seating section. And he took my spot before I got on the boat. Now he’s discovered the subtle pleasures of my seat and won’t go back. Every morning I get on the boat hoping for my old place back. And every morning I see his smug face below an atrocious hair cut in a spot that’s rightfully mine.

What would Bainbridge do? Islanders are more particular about their assigned seats on those super collosal jumbo boats you’ve got over there. How do you handle these situations? Should I say something? Offer him Chapstick and the name of a good barber?

Sincerely,

The Bremelogger

 

Old Man Winslow: Jump All You Like, You’ll Still Be In Bremerton

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev

Dear The Bremelogger: I must admit that since we began our unfortunate correspondence, I’ve taken great pleasure in rediscovering The Bremerton Sun. Why, just yesterday I learned that a “thrill seeker” from Bothell took a plunge from the Manette Bridge. I think the Sun has the facts a little shaky, however. I don’t think he was seeking a thrill. He was seeking escape. But what the poor soul doesn’t understand is that you can jump off the Manette Bridge until you’re blue in the face, and it isn’t going to get you out of Bremerton. It’s just going to put you in a Bremerton jail. Which, you must admit, is something of a redundancy.

I also learned recently that Bremerton’s Kitsap Wine Festival was a “Sold-Out Success,” Saturday at that copper park you have down on the water. Couple things:

1. It was smart of the powers that be to call it the “Kitsap” Wine Festival. Bremerton concerns long ago realized that — and I’m breaking this down so you can understand — Bremerton is the Night Train of civic brands.

2. This is pretty impressive feat, especially for Bremerton. You were able to convince 500 people to get in their yachts, float up to the marina (plenty of parking, I’m sure), visit their friends at the retirement home/condos downtown, and enjoy $45 worth of wine. It kind of makes me wonder what kind of retailers you’re going to “attract” to those empty buildings. I’m guessing Coldwater Creek, a funeral parlor, and an IZOD outlet.

BTW, I see that you had Eddie Money in town last night. It really brings new meaning to Money line “I’ve got two tickets to paradise,” doesn’t it? I mean, singing that from Bremerton, the man could be talking about anywhere.

Sincerely,

Old Man Winslow

 

Winslow, Didn’t Anyone Tell You Bremerton’s Coming Back?

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev.

Dear Old Man Winslow: What are you talking about? An embarrassment? Sure we’ve had our moments? But just look at us: We’ve got waterfront parks, pizza, friendly service at the Department of Licensing. I mean, we’re coming back, baby. Even our prostitutes can’t stay in business over here. They’ve had to hang up their shingle along Aurora. And, you’re right, little white typos — which I have made an art — are one thing. But belligerently reporting the wrong date of an event is quite another. And for that I apologize.

Glad to hear that you’re reading, and not just cutting your gums on the tap at Free Range distillery.

Your friend,

The Bremelogger

 

Old Man Winslow: Get It Right, Kid

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev.

Dear The Bremelogger: Your town has been an embarrassment to the county for decades. This is a well-documented, undisputed fact, I’m sure you’ll agree. With that in mind, I find it extremely impressive that you’ve managed to lower the bar for yourself. I’ve watched with a chuckle as you discuss the election with persons so genetically flawed as to aspire to the position of Bremerton mayor. So when I read this morning that you were “gearing up” for TONIGHT’s mayoral debate at The Charleston — only in Bremerton would mayoral hopefuls meet in a house of pornography — I was taken aback. Even you surprised me with your incompetence. I’m sure by now you know, dear Logger, that said debate took place LAST NIGHT, a date even you noted recently. You missed it. You missed it good. And you needlessly encouraged the Bremerton establishment to brave Callow. Well done, Logger, you’ve found your place at the bottom.

Sincerely,

Old Man Winslow

 

Why Didn’t They Just Let Bremerton Burn?

All illustrations by Jessica Randklev

Dear The Bremelogger: Not that I expect you to know the answer to this. From the look of your “news” blog, it appears that you were completely oblivious to the fact that there was a fire downtown. So you’re probably hearing about this for the first time now. Not that it’s any surprise, you being oblivious to local happenings and all. Nobody’s ever accused your bile to be “comprehensive,” “useful,” “or “informative.”

But I must tell you, Logger, that my heart skipped a beat when I saw that pillow of inevitability rise from your city. Bremerton, I thought, has finally burned itself to the ground.

You were too consumed with your bottle of purple stuff to report on the events, so I was forced to look to the Bremerton Sun for the news that “Bremerton Crews Snuff Stubborn Waterfront Brush Fire.” Why? It is you city’s destiny. And it’s what everybody wants. Your slumlords will get checks from their insurance companies, your political leaders will have a beautiful city, and I will sleep better than I have since you clearcut the Island.
Sincerely,

Old Man Winslow